Lesson learned

Honestly, i'm hurt, like hurt a lot!

Why?! 

Cuz i went to the gym, and coming back, i realized they had their get together without telling me to join!

Like this is the second time they are literally dumping/ ignoring me like that!! 

I was waiting for amir's call since last evening so that he tells me they are going to the lobby and i should join them,, but he did not, and now i saw they are there but not including me!!

Ik i had set my hopes high, i mean i know i should have stopped joining them after they ditched me on the trip to Vegas! I did at some points, but still started to re-trust them... but they are now again showing me that they don't want me in the group!! And it made me upset... just bcuz ik how much i was waiting for this week's get together...and that's why i feel betrayed...i feel bad for myself...

But now that i am writing about it, it feels less bad, and more like a lesson...a part of me keeps wondering what did do wrong, or am i somehow bad that they don't like me?! But ik those are bullshit questions! It totally shows their own shitty personality, i've been no harm to their party, but they are throwing me away! This had happened to me b4 as well, and now i am getting it again,, and ik i should take a lesson from it otherwise it will keep repeating itself!! Maybe and maaaybe the other girl, Shnz, doesn't join them cuz they have done the same thing to her, not that she stepped away herself, which i believed was the case until now. Her being not too friendly!! Maybe i was wrong!!

Anyways, although i still feel a bit hurt, which is natural, i am going to accept it...

Well i just searched about it,, and i think the fundamental reason for me being upset over this matter is bcuz they are ruling it, they decide whether to let me in or not, and i've been in their game, but i am out now, or it's been a while they wanted to shoot me out,, also i got very dependent on them, believing they are my friends, but then i realized they might not be as sincere and pure as you see them! And not exactly your 'friends',, like they never saw you as how you looked at them!  Also, there it comes, EXPECTATIONS, as always, that is why i feel betrayed, cuz i expected them to call me tonight...i just read a golden sentence on Quora from someone's experience: Never start associating expectations very early, coz expectations create hope which makes people hopeless most of the times”...

Oh, and i see one more reason,, the feeling of being ignored, comes with being not counted, and that feels bad... i feel 'not included' , bcuz i wanted to be included, i wanted to call them friends and say it around that yes we have these get togethers every weekend! It's a source of power or confidence for me, but now i feel like they do not think the same as me! Fuck them after all, why is it even worth it?! I should not overthink that!! Shitty ppl, just that...and also the fact that i've been trying to think nicely about them...that hurts...i mean after the Vegas matter, i again started to trust  and like them...and that ignorance was the real thing, but me being nice about them in my head, convincing me that they are good ppl, and thus this appeared in my behaviour, and made them repeat themselves! 

But it's ok, i get it now, and fuck them! I won't see them as friends anymore, just some familiar faces ... :)))

This article https://useyourdamnskills.com/2023/04/05/feeling-disrespected-or-dismissed-can-be-a-particular-kind-of-trigger-for-complex-trauma-survivors/ said exactly what i wanted to say

امروز

امروز رفتم با اساتید لب جدید میتینگ، بنظر بسیار نایس میرسیدن، مخصوصا اون خانومه...می درخشید از خوش برخوردی و زیبایی!! 

از دوشنبه هم کلاسام شروع میشه هم روتیشنم...روز از نو روزی از نو..

باخودم فکر میکردم ک اگر این خانمه اوکی بشه، و من دانشجوش بشم عااالی میشه، و دقیقا خدا رو توی این قضیه میبینم،، چون خیلی پرفکته...هرچی ک خیره...امیدوترم خدا توانشو بهم بده ک توی چند هفته ای ک اونجام بتونم یه خودی نشون بدم...و راضی باشن از من!

امشب هم خونه رو تمیز و مرتب کردم هم علارغم خستگی و بی خوابیم، رفتم جیم و تردمیل رفتم...بعدم ۳ساعت با مامان حرف میزدیم :)))

این تردمیل اینارو دوس دارم،، عجیبه واقعا برام...از لحاظ ذهنی منو میکشه سمت خودش، منی ک کلا عدم هرگونه فعالیت ورزشی ای بودم همیشه...اونم باوجود خستگی!!! 

امروز سالت‌برن رو هم دیدم...خدا قسمت نکنه...یهو انقد دارک شد ک خشتک هارو نزدیک بود بدرم و بسمت بیابان فراخ فراخ بدوم....

ساعت دو نیم صبحه...بخابم دگ...

اون روزیکه برگردم...(فانتزی)

این مطلب توسط نویسنده‌اش رمزگذاری شده است و برای مشاهده‌ی آن احتیاج به وارد کردن رمز عبور دارید.

خورشید زیبا

اومدم خونه، ب همین زودی! ظاهرا وقتی شروع میکنی رو خودت کار کنی، انقد انرژی آدم بالا میره ک جهان همون چیزیو بهت میده ک میخواستی...

امروز خداروشکر آفتابیه

نور خورشید از پنجره تا وسط خونه‌م اومده، و منم اومدم وسطش نشستم...واقعا خورشید خوبه...لذت میبرم از گرماش از نورش، از وجودش ک باعث میشه حالم بهتر باشه...کاش تا آخر زمستون بازم باشه...بازم بیاد...

از دوشنبه باز برف شروع میشه...هی....

ولش کن، فعلا فقط تلالو پرتو ها و نور خورشیدو بچسب... :)

امریکا؟! عجیبه

بین خودمون باشه ولی امریکام جای تخماتیکیه...طرف ممکنه باهات حال نکنه هرلحظه تفنگو بکشه بیرون بزنه بکشتت -_- واقعا امنیت جانی نداره آدم...کافیه طرف یذره کصخل باشه ،ک هستن خیلیاشون, و تفنگم داشته باشه، دگ نمیشه پیش بینی کرد چ اتفاقی میوفته...

اون شبی ک از مراسم سال نو برمیگشتیم، از جلو توی اون یکی لاین خیابون داشت یه ماشین میومد سمت ما، قبل اینکه ب من برسه، یهو تق کوبید ب تیر چراغ برق، کاپوتش ک ب فنای سگ رفت، دود از ماشینش بلند شد و کل برق اون خیابون رفت،،، منم فقط سریع از صحنه گاز دادم ک دور بشم...ولی خب یه ماشینی دگ پیاده شد بره کمک...

اون یارویی ک تصادف کرده بود قطعا مست بوده، تا خرخره خورده خیر سرش شب سال نو شو اینجوری رید توش....

خلاصه ک کصخل زیاده اینجا...

بغیر اون چنددرصد موفق ک در صدر جامعه ن، مردم عادی خیلی گرازن...نه همشون، ولی خیلی هاشون...جوریکه میری تو خیابون از ۱۰ نفر حداقل یک نفر آدم عجیب/ کصخل میبینی...شایدم از فرط آزادی زیاد ب سرشون میزنه...چمیدونم...